I'm not sure if those links are working, I'll try them again some other time.....
I'm making this here journal not only to try out some new things, but to also talk deeply. So if your not interested, I suggest you leave. Go on, click the back button or the cross on your screen.

Okay, you ready? I'm afraid this is about my thoughts recently and how they've been affecting me. I'm not sure whats wrong with me but maybe talking will help, but it also means sharing some of my opinions about life that others might strongly disagree with, but keep in mind that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression so how I feel about things is strongly influanced by it, so here goes...

Love. While many beleive it to be something special, I have labeled it as bringing great pain and suffering. To this very day I would still prefer to have never loved at all then to have loved and lost. But I have been lucky in the fact that only death has seperated me from those I care about, while others could be mistreated or cheated on which would be the ultimate betrayal in my book. So as a result to my hating of love I vowed not to love anybody else apart from those around me. So yeah, I've never had a girlfriend or have been on a date, becouse I'm too shy and I don't want to risk caring about somebody else who will leave one way or another...

The second part of a topic stuck in my mind....

Child Birth. I may not be a ladies man, but whenever I'm around girls I will try to act well mannered and polite, with the utmost respect, but there will always be in the back of my mind my knowledge of child birth, which I feel from stories I've heard and TV shows I've seen that it is torture, and I can't understand why anybody would want to go through that. I just doesn't seem right....why do woman have to go through so much pain? It's just one of many other facts of life that really annoy me.

So now you know abit more about me, here's the thing....
Suddenly, I'm not sure why, but I'm starting to feel like I would really like to have a girlfriend, someone to talk with, laugh, hangout with and hug for no reason. But everything I said above is still in play, I have a lingering urge to consider finding a partner and in the other corner I have my believes that it will only bring problems. It's been really getting to me.
I beleive that Anime/Manga and Games are possibly why I'm thinking like this now. Stuff like Love Hina, DNAngel, Comic Party, Tales of Symphonia with cute girls and characters falling in love. Could be the culprit, I even have a strong hatred for a character surrounded by girls, which is probably me being envious or something.

I'm afraid that will have to do for now, it's getting late, and I'm sorry to say there's much that I haven't yet covered about my emotions and how they contradict themselves, but that will be it for now.

All comments are welcome.